Saturday, 19 December 2009

17:00

Astazi s-a intamplat una dintre cele mai ciudate chestii. Am avut... un moment, de fapt 10-20 de minute in care m'a cuprins o furie incredibila. Am vazut doar rosu in fata ochilor. Nu-mi mai stiu intentia din acel interval, ce'am facut sau ce am zis. A fost ca un moment de transa, in care jur ca nu am stiut ce fac, cine sunt, ce spun, cu cine vorbesc, cum vrobesc... Atata furie si... nu stiu, nebunie sau lipsa de luciditate nu am mai avut niciodata. Imi aminteam doar ca citeam blogul tau si ca erai cu mine si ca am vazut unele posturi from the past si ca am vazut negru in fata ochilor, fara relavanta posturilor in prezent sa fie de vreo importanta. Pur si simplu am avut un acces de furie, din cate mi'ai povestit am facut/spus niste chestii pe care nu mi le pot imagina facute de mine. Nu eram eu. Incep sa inebunesc oare? Dupa un timp m'am trezit in pat, cu tine plangand langa mine si eram speriat, nedumerit fata de ce intamplase. Capul imi exploda si inima imi batea la rate extreme asa cum ai remarcat si tu. Au fost niste momente in care pur si simplu parca tot ce facusem fusese sters din memorie. Nici acum nu stiu si nici nu imi pot imagina ca am facut asa ceva. Dar stiu un lucru: Atunci cand imi reveneam am simtit ca parca fusesem plecat undeva, ca intr-un somn, intr-o visare petrecuta intr-o aurora deasupra unei tundre. Simteam o durere in piept incredibila. NU stiu ce s-a intamplat cu mine. Un lucru e sigur insa: Nu eram eu. Inebunisem cumva? O fi fost stresul? Ce motive as fi avut? Unde am fost? Should I see a doctor?Cum am putut sa fac asa ceva si apoi sa nu'mi amintesc si sa continui sa fiu normal ca si cand nimic nu s'ar fi intamplat? De ce eram in stare de soc si simteam ca mor fizic si psihic? O fi stresul, oboseala, nebunia? Nu am fost eu, stiu sigur. Eu nu pot sa fac asa ceva, eu nu am facut asa ceva niciodata si nici n'o s'o mai fac. Nu stiu ce s'a intamplat cu mine, dar a fost cea mai ciudata si dureroasa (fizic si psihic) experienta din cate am trait. M'a traumatizat si in cotinuare sunt speriat si desi as vrea sa dorm mai mult decat orice, nu pot. Incerc sa caut in subconstient, sa'mi amintesc, sa aflu unde am fost. Nu pot. Voi regreta toata viata, pana in ziua cand ma voi duce ce am facut azi. Te'am speriat, stiu... dar stiai ca nu eram eu, stiai ca nu vezi aceiasi ochi, ca nu esti in aceeasi camera cu mine. Cumva, ai stiut, si n'o sa uit niciodata cum ai fost alaturi de mine in momentele alea si cum m'ai inteles si cum m'ai luat in brate dupa ce facusem ce facusem si m'ai linistit cand eram mai speriat decat am fosst vreodata.

"
17:00


Te văd din nou şi simt
Că a trecut prea multă vreme,
De când tu m-ai atins
Pe trupul cald, cu palma rece...



Te văd din nou cu el,
Dar ştiu că tu eşti pentru mine !
Nu pot să mai rezist,
Iau arma şi pornesc spre tine !



Sertaru-l trag pe jos
Şi arma-mi sare drept în mână,
Doar roşu văd în ochi,
Doar roşu-i tot ce-o să rămână !



Alerg direct la voi,
Te strig prin uşă, tu ai grijă
Să cred că ai plecat,
Dar am văzut prin geam lumina...



Sunt lacrimi false,
Minţi că ţi-e dor,
Te uiţi la mine şi implori !



Staţi spate-n spate,
Jos în genunchi,
Să nu vedeţi cât a durut !"

(TROOPER-17:00)

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Dance with the wolves

In an endless and cold forest
With its trees that reach the sky
Creatures have a place to rest
When it rains, leaves seem to cry

Sins are not penetrating this place
Nor humans, nor light from the sun
Only one came after falling from grace
His redemption quest had there begun

For his dirty and blood-stained fame,
On bodies without mercy he stepped,
He forgot the misery from where he came
And all the money of the dead he kept.

A rich man with power upon others
Stunned by the magic of the woods
Resting place of our great fathers
Knew life without his golden goods

He stood there until the sunset
Without knowing how he can move on
Thinking death is what he met
Things he had are all now gone

The night was cold and silent
He sensed something's watching him
His heart started to beat violent
Tried to commit the ultimate sin

Eyes have opened in the night
He was surrounded by the living dead
Satan distinguished in their sight
And his mind got filled with dread

He didn't need now any proof
He was pained for what he's done
He heard the howling of the wolf
And demons were now gone.

Happiness was in his heart again
The elder wolf had finally appeared
Healing all the human's pain
His darkened mind was finally cleared.

The old beast he wished to thank
But he couldn't speak at all
In the abyss of life he sank/All his words were turning blank
With the courage of a wolf he took the fall/ From his feet to ground he fall

He woke up in a new place
Surrounded by the mighty pack
Saw the world with a new face
Seeing all in white and black

He saw the wolf who saved his life
He stood there and watched his dance
Escaping from all that strife
He entered the wild dancing stance

And he danced with the wolves
In the pale moon light
That's the path which he chose
Never more he wished to fight

In the hand of fate he was a toy
With the wolves he felt like a child
In the world he once tried to destroy
He saw the beauty of life in the wild.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

Total control

I realised now. I must learn to control myself from the overflowing feelings of fear and hate that lay imprisoned inside of me. And so they shall remain. I must learn not to worry, to control my reactions and to stop treating other people wrong, just because of my unjustified fear. And so I shall, I will restrain myself from exploding with ungrounded charges based on improbable ideas. I will get over them by total self-control and rational thinking and autosuggestion to prevent others from being hurt. Problem solved.